This isn’t a cliché kinda love

He doesn’t give me butterflies. He doesn’t make my head spin and I didn’t know I loved him at first sight. I have never been nervous around him, palms never sweaty, heart has never beat out of my chest and we have definitely said our fair share of sorry’s. It has never felt surreal or unpredictable nor have I ever lifted my head over my heels thinking about him.

In fact, it is the complete opposite. He feels like home- a safe space. He’s been my best friend for two years and nothing changed when we leveled up to a relationship. There were no fancy flowers or change in expectations. I was and am able to be myself each and every moment of every single day.

His hugs recharge my soul and the stars in his eyes when he is talking about his passions feed my own hunger to be better. There is a mutual force between us to succeed that constantly feeds off each other- neither allowing for complacency. He’s the motivation I didn’t know I needed.

But none of it is foreign. He is not the missing piece to my broken person but rather a companion alongside my whole self. I didn’t need him to complete me but he jumped right alongside and held my hand like it was a natural walk in the park.

I am not saying that there has been no hardships but my god it is so easy to fall asleep next to him, to trust him, to wash the dishes, make love, and thrive with him.

I once felt so overwhelmed by love and the blurred line between a healthy, thriving relationship and toxic/dangerous. He showed me the boldness of that line and walked me away from it- helping create one of the most beautiful relationships I have ever had.

This not a cliché kind of love. Not one that would write a romantic novel. It is so genuine and one that highlights my strengths and nurtures my flaws. I have never felt so authentically myself and his companionship is the only reason for that. I am more in love with him and the life we are sharing than I have ever been before. And it feels so natural.

***PSA- when you know you know. Don’t wait for the butterflies, don’t rely on the clichés. When you know, you know.****

Life Badge Earned: Survived a Bad Day

I want to wake up, someday beyond my halfway marker of this life journey, and know that I tried. Meaning, I want to wake up and  know that I didn’t just let life happen but I was active and a part of every single moment that shaped me. I want to be able to brush my long, thick, gray hair and know that I earned every single strand and didn’t just watch the color change, that those laugh lines on my face exist because I was busy creating them all my life.

Let me back up.

Yesterday was by far the most stressful day I have experienced since moving cross country. Dog was sick, AC broke, credit card misplaced, first cold of the new school year in full swing and my partner in crime out of town-unable to help. The fact I made it until 7pm to have a breakdown was a win in itself. I had a to-do list (mostly catching up on school work and cleaning house) that didn’t have a single check mark next to a task. I felt like I had accomplished nothing but raising my blood pressure. Instead of following the script I PROMISED myself I would follow yesterday, life threw an obnoxious curveball my way (definitely earned at least one gray hair). But I handled it- I complained more than a couple times but I handled it. I made phone calls, took the dog to the vet, and popped a few more milligrams of DayQuil than recommended.

Then I laid down for five minutes thinking about how much on my own to-do list was not accomplished and how I could break it down further to feel like I did something meaningful. That was followed by a few tears, and some scribbling with a purple highlighter. I googled the nearest brewery and got myself a draft. Needless to say, I woke up today with a full list of things to do but I can’t even be upset.

Too often, I see how bad days become a person’s answer for their mood or their source of stress. I see how one bad day can quickly become a bad week or a bad month, snowballing into a chronic cranky mood and I can’t help but wonder if it has something to do with the passive stance we take when something is not going as planned.

I was stressed and bloody exhausted yesterday. I cried and I screamed but I also took the time to admit weakness and rather than forcing myself be better, I gave myself a break and found a new Belgian White brew that is to die for. I pushed myself outside of this new house in this new city and drove until I found a new place to explore. And I liked it! I pushed myself to be active in my life yesterday and although it didn’t overpower all the BS I had to deal with, it did help me relax and it did put a smile on my face watching a middle aged couple talk about the kids they left at home so they could play Connect4 and drink beer. And if that is not how I am spending a Friday night with my baby daddy in 20 years, we’ll be having a different discussion about bad days ha ha.

The point is, I would not have seen that admirable couple if I had let the bad day win. I told myself when I moved here that I would not stay in the house, glued to Netflix or my homework. I told myself that I would push my comfort level and explore as much as this city has to offer as possible. That was not the plan yesterday but hey, our idea of timing rarely means much when life has its own script to follow.

What I am getting at is the pretty well-known quote by Alice Morse Earle that says “Every day may not be good but there is something good in every day.” I want to be active in finding that good moment, even if there is only one. I do not want to let life happen and I sit there passively trying to find out where and when the good things happened. I want to be an active participant of those things happening and yesterday I was. Scouts (girls and boys) earn badges after they have accomplished a range of tasks, proving they are proficient in a certain skill. I earned this one: Life Badge: Survived a Bad Day.

Not Today Ruth

I could really feel it today. The hot breath of Ruth (that’s the name I granted my anxiety monster- thought it was creepy and yet somehow rational similar to the way it feels to  have anxiety). It was tapping the back of my neck as I opened my eyes this morning creating a slight pulse in my temple. Just enough to give me an excuse not to get out of bed, just enough to claim another mental health day instead of knocking the 15 things off my to-do list.

She’s been gone for awhile but Ruth’s presence certainly has not been missed. She’s graceful, I’ll giver her that: always popping up without a sound but she is quite the freeloader once she does make an appearance- staying however long she wishes. And with her entrance this morning into my subconscious, I knew she was planning to stay awhile this round.

Well Ruthie baby, we aren’t gonna let you win this time around. I am not the only one with a persistent anxiety monster that wakes up with me in the morning. So I am asking all of you with a Ruth to join me in success today despite her companionship.

Get out of bed. I know, I know. Much easier said than done. But it is an active choice to roll onto your side and put your feet on the ground. Take as long as you need to but roll over and get your ass out of bed.

Kill the headache. Pop an ibuprofen along with your antidepressant. That might mean a prescription, a joint, or both. Do some yoga, go on a run, or brew a cup of coffee. Either way, do not let a reminder of Ruth’s presence sit in your temple all day long.

Create a list of goals. And put getting out of bed on there with a big fat check mark next to it. Because you accomplished that and you need to be proud of it. And put something that challenges the hell out of you on there. No matter what it is, push yourself. Find your favorite pen and start checking things off every time you finish one. It’ll feel like you’re beating Ruth with every accomplished task she made you question you were capable of.

Breathe. This shit isn’t easy. Ruth isn’t easy. Some days are better than others- a phrase used all too much but accurate nonetheless. Give yourself a break, have a meltdown if you need to. But don’t forget to breathe and really focus on each and every inhale. We take for granted how simple oxygen moving in and out of our lungs is but it is so powerful. We are alive and focusing on our breath is the easiest way to remind ourselves of that. We are living and breathing with a purpose. Don’t lose sight of that.

Find yourself an outlet. I suggest chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and The Noticer by Andy Andrews but it can be absolutely anything as long as it gets Ruth off your back for more than 30 seconds.

Just please please please Say kind words to yourself. It is so easy to lay in bed, succumb to your headache and quit for the day. But don’t. You’re stronger than that and you deserve better than that. Ruth hasn’t earned the right to take over who you are and what you are capable of. Don’t let her have it without a fight.

So join me as I continue to sip my coffee and knock things off the to-do list (first on my list is making the bed). Ruth is gonna stay with me all day, I can still feel her breath but even if it takes every ounce of effort in my soul, I will not let her defeat me today.

Loud and Proud

Over the past few days I have debated about creating this post, about taking the thoughts in my head and putting them into a concrete summary. I’ve never been known for my ability to be humble but for some reason, spending the time to write, edit, and publish a piece focused on nothing but myself seemed egotistical and self-serving. I thought, maybe I’ll just write it in my personal journal but that might as well stay a thought secluded from everyone around me. And then I realized that there should be no shame in posting something themed with a positive self image and pride of my accomplishments. I never second guess writing a piece filled with my negative thoughts or criticism toward an aspect of society or self but when it came to explicitly writing my accomplishments and the pride I feel toward myself, I couldn’t do it. There is something wrong with that. So here I am, being loud, aggressive and proud of who I am.

As some of you may know, I recently moved across the country for no other reason than to chase an opportunity outside of my comfort zone alongside my best friend. I was given criticism, doubts, and negative feedback. I was told I wouldn’t be happy, I wouldn’t find a job, and that moving for a boy was naive. And I want to say thank you to those of you who set the standard so low for me and my success.

I have done over five years of research on the child’s brain, have a degree in human development, and have witnessed first-hand the resiliency young humans have when presented with change. The plasticity of the brain and the adaptability of the personalities is admirable. It is theorized and somewhat supported that as we grow older, it becomes more and more challenging to adapt to change because of pathways in our brains. It’s like walking the same path over and over again until the Earth is eroded beneath our footsteps. We form habits and those habits erode our brain until it is muscle memory: the way we think, the way we act, the way we respond to change. We try to find a path we have already made so the emotional response is lessened.

But we do so by choice. We choose the path of least resistance so we don’t have to respond outside of our comfort zone. That my friends, is where all of your negative responses stemmed from- the use of negativity over and over again in your brain. Change can be scary but you chose to respond by walking down the path of least resistance by offering criticism instead of pride and excitement.

At the same time that our brains are creating overused walkways with our thoughts, it is simultaneously growing egocentric and competitive. We have a hard time recognizing the blessings those around us have received. Few of us are able to utilize or have created pathways for praising others because we are so focused on our own negative ways of life.

Luckily, my competitive neurology has given me an ultimatum: listen to them and fail or make that move and succeed. Guess what kiddos, I’m killin it. I hate that I second guessed whether this was the right thing to do, hate that I questioned if I was brave enough to succeed 1300 miles from home. All I had to do was choose to be happy, choose a new pathway and it was SO EASY. It is so easy to be open-minded and positive. It is so easy to take an environment of unknowns, strangers, and what-ifs and turn it into a land of opportunity. We just have to make an active choice in walking the pathways our brain chooses to take over and over again.

I was scared to write this post in fear of sounding egotistical or like I was better than my readers simply because I’m choosing to be happy. That’s not what I’m saying whatsoever. What I am saying is we should not be scared to be proud of ourselves, to brag about things we are doing well, to accept change and flourish amongst it. We should not be scared to create new pathways in our brain based on positive thoughts and pride for others. We are just as plastic and flexible as our younger counterparts, we are just stubborn in our ways. It is a choice and we have to make it every single day.

With that being said, I power through daily depression and anxiety attacks. It isn’t easy uprooting everything you have ever known for a city in the Deep South. Feel each of your emotions as deeply as possible whether it is positive or negative but do not become a victim of circumstance. Choose to succeed and choose to create a prideful pathway in your mind for yourself and for others. It’s easier than you think to change and to accept change.

I feel like I’m missing something

I still haven’t felt it. That overwhelming sense of fear or uncertainty. I haven’t felt that pit in my stomach that accompanies the trip down a road unknown.

As I was packing my bags and deciding what was most valuable for me to take on my journey across country, any emotion was replaced by a to-do list of things to see, people to hug, and stuff not to forget.

Every hug, every tear shed by a person I hold close to my heart was met with a quick ‘but this isn’t goodbye.’ Or ‘I’ll see you soon.’ I never felt like I was losing someone-simply just adding mileage in between sightings.

I thought I was in denial. Scared to come to terms with the idea that I was leaving everything I have ever known and called home goodbye. I figured it would hit me on the final drive away from my moms house or at least after posting a goodbye photo of my beautiful city. But it didn’t. Ok- maybe it would come in the car ride across the country when I could see nothing but grass and clouds, never knowing what the next mile was gonna bring. It didn’t. For sure when I woke up in a new house on my very first morning, a new city, a new life, I would cry.

But I didn’t. And at first I didn’t understand why. I should be nervous and scared about a life changing move, a new relationship, a new everything. I should be scared of not knowing anyone in this city and not being 15 minutes from my mom at any given time. But I didn’t.

I felt and feel excited and almost at home amongst the uncertainties. I know I have a man next to me that loves and supports me. I know I have the ability and determination to succeed anywhere and I know that life is meant to explore and love and meet as many new people as possible. Life isn’t about comfort or succeeding within a boundary but for pushing those boundaries and doing whatever it is that feels right and makes your heart beat a little bit faster. It’s about being happy with who and where you are.

I realized, while unpacking my everyday clothes into a foreign closet that I’m succeeding at that life I just described. And maybe the reason I am so comfortable and content and not overwhelmed by this transition is because I know it’s the right thing to be doing. I feel proud of myself and so ready for this next chapter. And that shouldn’t be a foreign feeling- for any of us. Cheers to all your next adventures and the emotions felt while experiencing them.

If you live in Denver, this one is for you

Dear Coloradoans and more specifically Denverites,

This letter is to all of you Colorado residents (natives or transplants) with whom I’ve interacted with within the last couple of months. I have defended you nearly my entire life as kind, welcoming, and beautiful people. I mean we live in one of THE most beautiful states of this nation, why would we need to be anything but happy and kind? I have built some of the strongest friendships and met people with unbelievable stories in the last 24 years. Some of you have taught me what sacrifice looks like and what it means to truly love someone. I am in debt to the love, support, and experiences I have received from some of you. My dreams, goals, successes, and failures have always been met with applause, collaboration, and at the very least constructive criticism. I relished in my happiness and wanted to share it with all of you without hesitation. I have loved my time here and questioned the love I felt rarely.

Until recently. Recently, I have become so disappointed and embarrassed of the people I have surrounded myself with as well as people I hardly know due to the life-changing news I have shared with all of you. I am moving to Alabama to begin a new relationship, have a fresh start, leave some of the ugly experiences and heartbreak I have felt here behind, and quite frankly, to just do something different rather than settling for the life I have known thus far. There is nothing wrong with my life here, but I have always searched for experiences and thriving outside of my comfort zone. And I’m FINALLY doing that. I thought, due to the track record of sharing news, that this would be met with excitement and a slight amount of sadness toward my absence- but mostly joy toward me pursuing something different and meaningful.

Instead, it has been met with sarcastic comments, doubts, remarks about living in the Southern part of our country (most of which have been made from people with zero experience living in the south), ignorance, and degrading, borderline and blatant racist jokes. For awhile, I was taking these comments with a grain of salt if you will, because I knew that I had support and real friendships here. Change is difficult and we all respond to it differently. But the comments have yet to stop or even slow down. And quite honestly, it breaks my heart. I have relied on the people in this state to be a community of support and guidance my entire life and you have yet to let me down. Until I tell you that I’m leaving and demanding more than what I have here. Then, you are rude, disrespectful, and the most unsupportive I have ever experienced.

At a time in my life where huge changes are happening as I am leaving friendships, family, irreplaceable views, experiences, coffee shops, sunsets, dry heat, and every familiar thing I have ever been able to call home behind, the support I have always relied upon has vanished and been replaced with comments that rather than building me up are starting to break me down. I have always had high expectations for the people in my life but most of you have let me down and not gracefully. I am nervous, scared, worried, and even sad about leaving this state and what could possibly happen when I’m thousands of miles from home. But I am also certain that this move, along with many obstacles, will be amazing and humbling. I never thought I would have to ask for support in making this next step of my journey one of the best but as I spend my last month in Denver, I will only be accepting true friendship in the form of positive affirmations, support, and advice. I want to defend the beautiful state and its residents that have been my home for 24 years as I travel and change my life but you, Colorado residents: best friends and acquaintances, need to step your game up because as of now, the terms of which I am leaving on are not as prideful as I hoped they would be. I know we can do better.