Our lives are infinite

I have been in my feels for over a week now and unable to put my frustrations, fears, triumphs, and emotions into words (unusual for me *winky face*). However, I found an amazing piece of writing that has opened my eyes to a pathway toward forgiveness and strength I didn’t know before. I hope you all feel as humbled when you read this as I was. Credits to Caitlin Moran. 

“At 19, I read a sentence that re-terraformed my head: ‘The level of matter in the universe has been constant since the Big Bang.’ In all the aeons we have lost nothing- not a speck, not a grain, not a breath. The universe is simply a sealed, twisting kaleidoscope that has reordered itself a trillion trillion trillion times over.

Each baby then, is a unique collision- a cocktail, a remix- of all that has come before; made from molecules of Napoleon and stardust and comets and whale tooth; colloidal mercury and Cleopatra’s breath: and with the same darkness that is between the stars between, and inside, our own atoms.

When you know this, you suddenly see the crowded top deck of the bus, in the rain, as a miracle: this collection of people is by way of a starburst constellation. Families are bright, irregular-shaped nebulae. Finding a person you love is like galaxies colliding. We are all peculiar, unrepeatable, perambulating micro-universes- we have never been before and we will never be again. Oh God, the sheer exuberant, unlikely face of our existences. The honor of being alive. They will never be able to make you again. Don’t you dare waste a second of it thinking something better will happen when it ends. Don’t you dare.”

 

Particles, Breaths, and a Sea of Water

Some days, I feel more two-dimensional than alive. Like the characters in the books I read have more air in their lungs than me. I forget that my mood is completely dependent on how the waves are crashing amongst the grains of sand over 1,000 miles away and how that crashing is completely dependent on the moon in the sky. I forget I am a work of art, covered in freckles of all shapes and sizes, bruises, paper cuts, and black ink, each with its own character and story.

Some days I feel like a painting, pressed against a wooden frame and hung up for some to glance, some to ignore, and only a rare few to stop, look, learn, and really appreciate. I forget that there is magic flowing through my veins, that no other individual on this planet has experienced the emotions that make my heart beat in the same ways that I have. I forget that there are literal sparks happening amongst the synapses of the memories of my brain.

Some days, I feel like a victim of circumstance- a bystander to all the tragedy, hate, ugly that exists in this world. And other days, I remember that I am only particles of dust, breaths of oxygen, and a sea of water held together by fragile, pale skin. Three-dimensional and awake.

Being Human is Overwhelming.

Human emotion is inevitable. There are highs and lows, setbacks and leaps forward- you simply cannot avoid it. You can only suppress them, push them under the rug, or claim a steady trajectory for so long before you are literally blown off track and implode.

We as humans are designed to make mistakes. We eat shitty food, we skip the gym for a day or 365 of them, we hurt one another, and we beg for forgiveness- a cycle that will never cease.

Some days we put too much on our plates (figuratively and literally), other days we push to get out of bed.

We preach and search for a balance whether it is within our faith, our writing, our relationships, what we read, our drinking, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera: we strive for equilibrium (and often fail).

The bottom line: being a human can be EXHAUSTING. OVERWHELMING. SCARY.

But we do it. Each and every second of each and every day. We power through and (most of us) use our human powers to accomplish something important and meaningful.

Waking up every day to decide whether you are going to live as just another rat in a rat race who will end up 6 feet under or as a powerful, influential, beautiful, living soul is a choice we all have to make.

And while it is a curse, it is also a blessing to be alive, on this Earth, experiencing the love, the passion, the adrenaline, the sights, sounds, smells, and hair-raising  sensations of being human.

One of my favorites of these opportunities to feel the blood running through your veins and to embrace every emotion that exists is to find a place of massive proportions, made entirely of organic substances: rocks, water, grass, flowers, dirt, wind, wildlife. And stand in the middle of it. Let every aspect of this place take over. Let the wind blast against your bare skin, let your body grow uncomfortable, close your eyes and beg for a bird to sing his song. Take just one second or three and focus on the air moving throughout your lungs. Put your face to the sky and feel the rays give you an extra freckle on your beautiful, fragile skin. Let your emotions take hold: cry, smile, laugh. Let your body feel the movement of the Earth and respond in its most natural way. Allow yourself to be vulnerable amongst the Earth’s most beautiful and unforced phenomenons that we take for granted all too often.

We are so focused on making a difference and leaving a footprint that we forget we are simply renting space on this beautiful floating ball of water in a starry galaxy filled with creatures and sensations we will never know. We are not here for long and sometimes it is necessary to feel the reciprocal relationship between what we can offer the world and what the world can offer us.

Escape from your concrete jungle for a day. Find a rock to climb, a hand to hold, a breeze to feel on your skin. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Embrace human emotions. Empathize that being alive is overwhelming and sometimes can push you to the limits- but on those days, find something that helps you remember, we are a FRACTION of the miracles roaming this planet and at the end of the day, although the impact we leave is important, we must be grateful for the impact the world and its beauty has on us. Be aware, be alive, and be cognizant of the fact we are blessed to feel overwhelmed amongst all the beauty that is at our fingertips.

R&R&R

It is the last week of March and already this year has been filled with hospital visits, colds, viruses, sleepless nights, anxiety attacks, suicidal thoughts, etc. There have been numerous stressors emotionally, physically, mentally- within and between relationships, financially, and professionally.

There has not been an aspect of my life in which I have not felt some kind of frustration, grief, or discomfort throughout these first twelve weeks of 2018.

I also have not stopped pushing myself to accomplish as many things as possible this year. Constantly searching for work, applying to graduate programs, being productive in some way or another every single day.

I have felt disheartened by letting go of a dream and not following up with something productive or even meaningful- attempting to fill every void with anything that makes me feel the slightest bit proud.

And then a friend told me to embrace the rest. We push constantly for the grind and success, assuming any break will come off as lazy and reap no benefit.

But what we all are forgetting is that, rest and recovery are fundamental. No flower blooms all year long, sprinters only run for short distances, the climax is the shortest part of a story. Everything else is struggle, overcoming obstacles, build up, calm down, setbacks and small victories.

Rest. Recovery. Reflection.

Our society minimizes the importance of each and then questions why we are all so drained, exhausted, unstable. We wonder why our young school children are responding to bullying in lethal ways or why the majority of adults in this country are medicated with uppers and mixing them with downers.

We need to, collectively, appreciate the power of rest, relaxation, and reflection. Life doesn’t need to be constant grinding, constant success. There are ups and downs and we should ride em both out.

 

I hope you are all able to pour yourself a glass of wine and watch a movie tonight. Or take a bath, roll up a blunt and freestyle, cuddle with someone you love. Whatever it is, please take a second for yourself. Give yourself a break. Our bodies are not meant to be on the move every second of every day- it took 12 weeks of being constantly sick and uncomfortable for me to recognize that the universe, a man in the sky, whatever you believe in is trying to tell me that this is not my time to bloom, but my time to rest. And that there is nothing wrong with that.

Don’t Let the Depression Fool You

It is so easy to become a victim. It is so common to become the target of a crime, to experience pain at the hands of another human. It is so easy to have one hard day, week, or year and make that the new norm. Feeling broken becomes a routine. Seeking help whether professionally or just begging for a laugh and being denied becomes more common than not.

“Numb.” “Blah.” “Breathing.” “Hangin in.” All replace “well” or “fine” when asked how you are. What were once huge celebrations are now just smirks across your face. The biggest disappointments become expectations. There are no more highs and lows- it all feels the same.

Until you change how your eyes see the world around you. Until you take yourself out of the equation. We are souls renting space on this Earth for a short period of time. There are struggles, there are hardships but my god, there is so much beauty and some days, you have to look harder for it but I pinky swear- you will find something if you look hard enough.

  • Do not deny the hues of red, pink, and orange the sun grants us twice daily as he rises and sets on either side of us. 
  • Do not ignore the sound of birds chirping right after a downpour. 
  • Dogs snore in their sleep and children will laugh at a silly face. 
  • A glass of ice cold water or change in toenail polish can change the course of an emotion. 
  • There are thousands of texts filled with millions of different letter combinations that will strike the strings of your heart if you give them the chance. 
  • Do not forget that your smile is the only thing that makes your momma’s heart skip a beat or that your hair stands up on your arms when you’re cold whether you are livid or jumping for joy.

Depression is so real. It takes over our bodies and our minds like a blanket, smothering every instance of joy.

But you can break the cycle of victimization with one acknowledgement of the beauty in your life daily. It takes a lot of work. It requires becoming conscious of our emotions and actively refusing to become “blah” or “numb.”

Easier said than done. I am fighting with myself and the victim I have let myself become daily. It is an active choice each moment. And some days, I do not succeed. Some days,  I can barely get myself out of bed. But nonetheless, I acknowledge the blessings I do have and the beauty I can see even when it becomes blurred from tear-filled eyes.

Do not become a victim in your own life. Do not give up. You are more powerful than you know.

Depression will take over your life and it is up to you to fight back. Everyday is a battle- you win some, you lose some, but the war is your life. And you have the ability to decide the winner.

*Below is my personal email address for anyone to utilize. Do not be hesitant to reach out to me if today or any day is one of those unsuccessful days or where the beauty is smothered in gray. Mental health is one of the most important aspects of our existence on this planet and one that is often ignored. I will ALWAYS be available to aid in reducing the feeling of being a victim to your own life. Please do not hesitate to reach out to me.

byarian@yahoo.com

Flying away from Complacency

I have never particularly, been a fan of flying. There is just something about sitting in the clouds for a few hours and trusting that the force of gravity won’t increase at any given moment that has never sat completely right with me.

But most recently, it has become less about physics and more about pulled heart strings.
There is so much emotion in an airport and all of these emotions take shape as busy bodies just moving from Point A to Point B as efficiently (in most cases) as possible- vibes, energy, and thoughts being shuffled around terminals.

Then, a conglomerate of all of these emotions sit together on an airbus thousands of feet in the sky.

Some dozing off, some refusing to step away from their work, some begging their child to rest, others staring out the window. There are people who are constantly checking in with loved ones, others who strictly worry about themselves and their luggage.

Everyone has a theory about what the best way to fly is but no matter what- we all end up vulnerable and at the mercy of the wind.

It is horrifying and exhilarating all at once.

When those wheels come off the ground, I fight back tears knowing that it is a subtle and yet blatant reminder that we do not need wings to feel freedom. We are able to take the world on as far as we ourselves are willing to go.

As my ears pop, I realize my fear of flying isn’t so much about the physical phenomenon about floating in the clouds but that I am too scared to get my feet off the ground and push myself to see every corner of this planet.

It’s not about the rise in physical elevation but in elevating ourselves to be better and do better.

We as humans can do anything we put our minds to and as I sit and stare at the clouds turning that cotton candy shade of pink as the sun sets over there right wing of the plane- I am simultaneously overcoming my fear of complacency.

Versatile Blogger Award

Huge thank you and shoutout to Bernard Chinua  for nominating brennayarian.com for the Versatile Blogger Award. It has been so fun to get this blog up and going and writing for a larger audience than myself. I have been beyond blessed with feedback and support from all my readers and I will be forever grateful for you all. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Rules of the Award Nomination:

  1. Thank the person who nominated you and add a link to their blog site.
  2. Nominate blogs that you have recently discovered or follow regularly.
  3. Share 7 things about yourself that people may not know.

Nominated Blogs:

  1. Let’s Get Sober!
  2. education pathways
  3. Baffled Mum
  4. Sarah Russell Poetry
  5. Adult-ish

7 Fun Facts:

  1. I have a freckle on my left eyelid
  2. Scary movie and wine nights are my absolute favorite
  3. I have never travelled outside of the United States (but I am on my way soon!)
  4. Chapstick is a must no matter where I go
  5. Drowning is my biggest fear
  6. Libraries and old book stores make my heart sing
  7. Documentaries > anything

Thank you all so much for the likes, shares, comments, and nominations. During a time in my life where I have felt lost and bored with routine and the way things were going for me, this blog site has offered an outlet for so much love and I am beyond appreciative of that. Have a great day and make someone smile!