in need of a magic carpet ride

I’m in search of something. A kind of freedom. it’s tangible but hardly visible except for the shine in my eye. it was once there. and quite often. without moving a muscle on my face, my eyes could be lit with a fire, a passion, and my heart as free as the sparrow crossing the sky. but my heart has regressed. into a cage of darkness and fear. the unknown used to be an adventure to look forward to. now one dreaded. my sense of wonder completely lost. I set out on the open road but my mind says not to go too far. responsibilities hang over me like a black winged ghost always lingering. every move. but still. I want I want freedom and wonder. my heart is scared but still longs for the happiness it once felt. my desire to escape is incomprehensible. everyday I must convince myself to stay. but to stay in the same place, I must remain in the same mindset of focused and goal oriented. my mind is not there. my mind is rather on a far away highway with the windows rolled down and my feet bare. my hair is blowing as free as my heart feels and the pessimistic smile has become an optimistic grin. the lingering demon of responsibility has escaped me. I want to travel. my eyes want to feast on the beauties and wonders of the world. my feet want to play in the white sands of every nook in the beach. my hands want to hold unusual textures and my arms want to stretch toward the clouds. my tongue wants to lick all of the juicy goodness left behind on my fingers after chowing on foods ive never dreamed of. my heart wants to be set free.i am on to amazing things. beautiful things. im going to change lives and im going to do so with a grace I didn’t know I have. I may not pave the way of life for unborn children but I will surely provide a helping hand. I simply cannot do that now. I must find myself. and although once found, I was quickly lost. nothing stays the same and yet absolutely everything stays the same. the journey is never the same and the destination is completely unknown. this world is full of so many tragic, beautiful, terrifying, and exhiliarting things. im not asking for much. just time and patience as I work through it all. I have not passed through all the tragic and I have not seen all the beauty. my emotions are unchartered, my fears sky high but sense of adventure curling around the corner. if you love me, let me go. understand I don’t need a savior. I don’t need approval. I want to find this answer for myself. all I ask for is a safety net. an arm to grab when  I take a slippery step and a shoulder to lean on when exhaustion takes its final toll. I ask for a smile to look at and eyes filled with love and passion. I may have lost my way but I will surely find it again.

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brennabeluga

Just a lost soul trying to make sense of the world

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