“We are made of all those who have built and broken us.”

You. You helped me grow into one of the strongest versions of myself. I became confident in what I believed in, I had a dream I knew I could achieve, I woke up every single day happy with who I was and the way my life was going. You constantly told me how strong, motivated, and powerful I was and could continue to be. I believed you. I took the world into my own hands and accomplished everything I have ever dreamed to because of the strength you helped me develop.

Then, I met you. You intrigued me, worried me, pushed me to new boundaries of how I understood the world. And you so quickly turned that fascination with life and the world into fear and brokenness. You took my confidence and ripped it apart one by one. You found the things I was good at and found flaws in every single one of them. You deemed my world small, irrelevant, worthless. You claimed my dreams and accomplishments were useless and complacent. You broke me down to the lowest version of myself physically and figuratively.  You broke my confidence, my idea of the world and most importantly my vulnerability toward the world. You took me at my weakest point and blasted that for the world to see. You shattered me.

And now, I am sitting in a coffee shop-halfway across the country-running from both of you. Running from myself and the jumbled mess of what the two of you have created within me. I am made of a silent confidence that I no longer let show. I hide my fears behind brutal sarcasm and a straight face. I do not want to show my weaknesses nor my strength because I don’t want a response from either of you. The combination between being so high, so courageous, so confident and then being so low, so scared, so near rock bottom- has made me unaware of where exactly I am. Some days I am proud, other days embarrassed. Some days I am taking the world on with every ounce of my being and other days I am hiding under my blankets scared to show my face. I want to be able to blame both of you for the pain I am feeling but cannot bring myself to honestly tell either one of you.

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brennabeluga

Just a lost soul trying to make sense of the world

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