so many questions

and yet somehow, despite everything you have ever put me through, despite the way my stomach drops when I see you and the anxiety I feel when I hear your name I want to know what makes you tick. I want to know at what point in our relationship did your heart change courses from strong and passionate to weak and cowardly. I want to know who you are now and if those horrifying things that made me run away are still applicable to your life. are you hurting all these other girls the same way you hurt me or did you learn your lesson? did seeing my pain influence the way you treat people or do you write it off as a weakness of mine? do you watch that sex video over and over again and recognize the vulnerability in my love for you? or do you still use it as a source of power for yourself to get you off every night? when that police officer called you and told you that you were about to be charged for stalking and harassment, what made you want to come to my front door an hour later? when your roommates told you that an officer came to your door to hand you a restraining order, what went through your mind? did it ever cross your mind that I was horrified to come home and see you standing at my door? That I avoided certain places for months to avoid you. I stopped coming home without Jake being there. My life flipped upside down that Saturday morning that you couldn’t sleep and texted me instead. has that ever crossed your mind? or am I just another person on your hit list? despite it all, I have so many questions to ask you and if I ever get the chance aka the courage, I might just go for it.

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Just a lost soul trying to make sense of the world

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