an open letter to the future

First off, let me be very clear that I am not apologizing or attempting to minimize myself. this is simply a prelude to the adventure yet to come. This is going to be hard and  guaranteed to be frustrating. There are going to be days in which slamming the door and walking away is inevitable. I will hold my ground and flaunt my stubbornness even when I know I’m wrong. My grudges will fade but only after a kiss on the forehead. I hold my pain close to my heart. Please don’t ask me to share it- rather take me on a walk. Let me rest my head on your shoulder and wrap my arm around your waist. Let’s embrace the silence. I will work through it myself. I can be sarcastic and mean and bound to cross the line. Tell me. I do not want to be belittled but hold me to the same standards at which you keep yourself. I need to be reminded to be humble at times. You earn my respect with blunt honesty and integrity.

I have unbelievable ups and downs. But they happen. They will be exhausting for you and me. I beg for your patience in these times. There will be lots of highs- my smile will radiate. There will be lots of lows- I may not get out of bed for days. I need you by my side for both. Those days in bed, I am allowing my mind to overcome the matter and the best way to remind me of my strength is to play with my hair and marathons of law and order.

I wander. Thats what I do- i get in the car and disappear without warning. Sometimes for a couple hours, sometimes for a couple of days. I grow silent. I bottle every letter that is on the tip of my tongue and I shove them down my throat. I drink-sometimes too much. I”ll take wine straight from the bottle or beer from a can. Keep your tequila. I curse, I scream, I  say shit under my breath. I cry, I grieve, I grow restless. When I decide I want something- there is no turning back. When I decide I hate something- there is no turning back. I will not bring up my political opinions until you disrespect someone’s human rights but I will judge what shoes you are wearing without blinking. I want to go camping and hiking and fishing but goddamn it- I want my bubble bath with candles afterwards. I beg for constructive criticism but the second you question a decision I have made, I will verbally attack you. I am spontaneous but appreciate punctuality and itineraries. I go with the flow but want it to be structured. I need to know what the rules are so I am able to know just how far I can break them. I take people in with open arms but my door is always locked. I want to work with children every day of my life but I do not crave to have one flourish within my womb. The sunset is the most beautiful part of the day but I’ll get up for the sunrise any day.

I contradict myself on the daily- in any conversation, with the clothes that I wear and the attitude I maintain. I hate marshmallows but love s’mores. Get the picture? I will make you cringe, cry, belly laugh, slam doors, drink away your frustrations, throw you surprise parties, and never walk away angry. I will make you crazy, tired, ecstatic. you will question if I am more than you bargained for. but no matter what, I guarantee an adventure.

 

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brennabeluga

Just a lost soul trying to make sense of the world

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