moving in circles

The week between Christmas and the New Year always feels like a blur. Like seven days of confusion, tentative plans, anxiety to bring in the new year as creatively and happy/healthy as possible.

I like to spend my seven days reflecting, writing, reading a new book. This time last year I was so focused on finding inner peace that I forgot to be thankful for what I have around me. This year, I feel as though I don’t have enough time to appreciate what is right in front of me.

I am entering the final semester of my undergraduate program in the spring and will be achieving my life-long goal of becoming a teacher. I will then be able to flourish with whatever direction I choose to take. I can remain in the classroom as a student or I can create my own classroom. The opportunity for either is a blessing.

But as I sit here, trying to generate a list of things I am grateful for, I find myself struggling.

I am blessed beyond measurable. I have more material things than I could ever truly ask for and I have the love and support of so many people around me. this should not be down played or under appreciated.

However, I find myself more concerned than appreciative as I end 2017. there are numerous people in my life that I feel I am losing connections with. I feel I no longer relate or agree with the people I surround myself with. Whether it be what to eat, religion, politics, or even the definition of dependability- I feel like I have no one to talk to about real things anymore. Small talk fills every conversation.

I hate to say it or feel it or even think it. But I really miss laying next to someone who feels so much passion for the world and sees the beauty in it all. I miss being able to sit across another soul with a cup of coffee and talk about the world, dimensions of the world, ideas about the stars and galaxies, healthy conversations about religion and the human traits of pride and jealousy. I miss being curious and someone igniting that curiosity along with me. I miss seeing the world differently every single morning, finding a new spot in the middle of nowhere to find a new constellation. I miss the novelty of the world that I’ve had in years previous.

Reflecting on this year has proven to be a challenge. This year has been the hardest I have ever experienced mentally, emotionally, financially, physically. I feel like I have overcome a lot of hurdles, busted down a lot of doors but still have so many walls and fears to beat. I have had a lot of support to get me through the ugliest of times but as I sit in my parents basement and watch what has happened this year unfold in front of me- I am not proud of those around me. In a way they belittle me, my beliefs and behaviors simply because it does not match their own. I feel out of place standing in the kitchen amongst them- ashamed of who I am, unable to share my values and beliefs.

I find myself begging for a relationship that existed only half the time for the last 3 years. This somehow feels more complete than the loneliness I feel now amongst people I have called friends for so long.

in 2018 and for the rest of this week, I will praise the temporary nature of everything in life. relationships included. Nothing in life matters as much as mental health and I need to start being an advocate for my own. This may include limiting exposure to certain people who threaten that. experiences are temporary. I mustn’t be afraid to make moves for myself if that means risky the comfort of the people around me including relocation. This year, bravery needs to mean being critical of myself and my actions, standing up for myself and what I believe even if it varies from those around me.

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Just a lost soul trying to make sense of the world

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