Feb. 1 (10 things that make you really happy)
- My zen corner with lit candles
- Nash’s laugh
- Independent road trips with the freedom to explore every nook and cranny I come across
- that feeling of crawling into bed after a long day and sinking underneath my blankets
- reading in bed with a cup of coffee and no time constraints
- the physical touch of someone that loves me
- Knowing that I am moving forward and accomplishing goals
- traveling somewhere new
- my growing book collection
Feb. 2 (Something that someone told you about yourself that you never forget)
One of the most meaningful things someone has ever said to me came earlier this year standing in the middle of the Maten’s kitchen. I’ve never considered this high school peer a best friend nor someone I would reach out to in times of trouble for reasons such as distance and lack of a personal connection. Even so, he was not afraid to call me out on being scared and therefore being out of character this last year.
“You’ve always been a person to put your mind to something and accomplish it. What is stopping you this time?”
He’s right. Halley is right when she says it. I’m not scared, I’m stronger than I give myself credit for and I can handle what the world throws at me. This time is no harder- just different. His words and his friendship are things that will forever fuel my fire and growth.
Feb. 3 (Top three pet peeves)
- People saying they will attend, participate, show up- and then bailing.
- Gum smacking, loud chewing, etc.
- The lack of intrinsic motivation I have left
Feb. 4 (Someone who inspires you)
With this prompt, I immediately thought of my mom. How strong she is for fighting for what she believes in, for doing everything in her power to make sure her family is happy even when it means sacrificing her own joy. I find it admirable and beautiful. But as someone who is searching for a career path and a life that is about making sure I am as happy as possible, I don’t want my life to become my mom’s. I am inspired by the way my mom has made choices in her life for the betterment of other people. However, I am just as inspired by those individuals who are not afraid to be selfish, who are not afraid to make every decision in order to ensure their happiness. I am inspired by the people who say life is short and respond accordingly. I am inspired by the people with massive dreams and who are accomplishing them- not afraid to steer off the beaten path. I am inspired by the dreamers, the doers, the ones with broken smiles, and the ones that believe in magic. I am inspired by those who have seen the darkness in the world but who make the sunshine radiate. I’m inspired by it all and am simply trying to find my way amongst the chaos.
Feb. 5th (Five places you want to visit)
- New York City
- New Zealand
Feb. 6th (Five ways to win your heart)
- Be appreciative of the little things like sunsets and coffee dates.
- Reply to sarcasm with sarcasm
- Sunflowers and candles at random
- Passion and a game plan to make those passions happen
- The desire to stay at home and watch documentaries over going out on any given night
Feb. 7th (10 songs that you’re loving right now)
*in no particular order because my mind is a jumbled mess and lists are hard…
- All On Me- Devin Dawson
- Hide the Wine- Carly Pierce
- do re mi- blackbear
- The Way Life Goes- Lil Uzi Vert
- Train Wreck – James Arthur
- No Scrubs- TLC (always loving)
- I’d Be Jealous Too- Dustin Lynch
- 24K Magic -Bruno Mars
- Ophelia- The Lumineers
- Different For Girls- Dierks Bentley
Feb. 8th (something you struggle with)
I woke up this morning and was immediately struggling with my mental health. There are days I can roll over and face the day with a smile and all the confidence in my soul. Other days, I roll over and it takes every ounce of energy in my body to muster up the courage to step out of bed and brush my teeth. Today was one of the latter. Regardless of the professionals, adventures, medication and meditation I seek out, some days are just harder than others. But regardless, there are things to accomplish on both of these days. Today, I felt like I was moving slow motion, struggling with my ability to take care of the responsibilities expected of me.
Until I got that phone call. Then, the world froze. Now, I feel like I’m struggling with who I am as a person, my priorities, the decisions I have made and am making. I’m struggling to look in the mirror and take myself seriously. I am struggling to ask for help or talk to anyone close to me. That phone call turned a struggle into what feels like a defeat. I feel like I let the people around me down because of one mistake.
Feb. 9th (words of wisdom that speak to you)
“You have enough electricity inside you to power a 40 watt lightbulb for 24 hours, so why aren’t the firefly like embers in your eyes glowing? Are you really going to allow a person to steal your ability to light up your own life?” -Nikita Gill
*Any words written by r.h. sin give me chills
*Rupi Kaur speaks directly into my heart
Feb. 10th (write about something you feel strongly about)
In my last blog, “Why I Quit My Dream Job,” I felt like I elaborated extensively about something I am passionate about. The answer has been and always will be children. More specifically, what it means to treat children with respect and give them the proper tools for success. Most recently this passion has been focused on a child’s social-emotional well-being and coping skills. Check out “Why I Quit My Dream Job” and “We Are the Problem” to read about my concerns and ideas <3.
Feb. 11th(something you always think what if….about)
Often times I think what if…happened or what if…didn’t happen. I think about it in terms of adventures and trips I want to take. I think about it as relationships made or people I brushed off and negated a relationship with. There is no doubt that I question what if’s…about the world and science and love and life. But most often it is my behaviors and decisions and how they impact my karma and vibes in the world. The what if’s have become who will be affected…how will this impact my life five years from, will I regret not going, will I regret going? How will I feel if I don’t go for it or do what is best for me?
Feb. 12th (five blessings in your life)
- as I lay in bed for about the 16th consecutive hour thanks to 3 different infections and a lack of self-control, I can only feel blessed that I have my health. I often take it for granted and (currently) miss it when it’s gone but I know that it is there. I have strong legs to help me conquer each day even if it is just baby steps. I have a passionate heart that guides each of my choices and everything in between that helps me be the best person I can be. I am blessed for my body and my health.
- I am blessed with my mom. We do not always have the greatest relationship nor do we see the world the same way. But how she has handled my life and the decisions I have made recently with such poise and acceptance, I could not ask for anyone better. She raised me to be strong, independent, and passionate. As I have stumbled my way there, she has always been a hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on. Her unconditional love is something I will forever be blessed with.
- I am blessed with a big-heart and a passion. To be a twenty-something and know what I want in life is a blessing many people around me do not have. This week has proven to be very difficult in that I gave up my life-long dream of teaching. But I still know exactly it is that I want to do with the rest of my life. I have a path, I have a dream, and I have the support to make every goal of mine achievable.
- I am blessed to live in the state of Colorado. There are so many opportunities to take advantage of how beautiful the world I live in can be. Hard days are can always be conquered by a sunset at Daniel’s Park and any unscheduled day can be spent climbing up a mountain or sipping at a brewery. Anything is possible in this amazing state and I am so blessed to have been able to call it home for the last twenty-four years.
- I am blessed with my beautiful puppy. She came into my life at exactly the right time. She is spunky and wild, has no care in the world except for the people in her life and adventure. Her days are about having fun and being active- a role model I need. Her friendship holds me together.
Feb. 13th (what are you excited about?)
First and foremost, I am so nervous and excited to hear about my acceptance/denial into the Master’s Program for which I applied. It would really change my life course and be the first step into helping me succeed with what I really want to do. I am excited for the opportunity to live somewhere other than Colorado later this year. The journey of deciding to move has already been filled with so many fears and questions but also so much joy in knowing that I am moving to escape myself and the toxic environment in which I live. I am moving with the support of a boy who loves and supports me. I am excited about how well my blog is doing and how much positive energy I put in and receive out of writing daily for an active audience. Also excited for a possible children’s book in the works. I am genuinely excited about life, despite recent setbacks, and the opportunities that are being presented to me.
Feb. 14th (movies you never get tired of watching)
*not the biggest movie person but certainly a few classics that are irresistible
-The Breakfast Club
-The Lion King
-The Pursuit of Happiness
Feb. 15th (bullet point your entire day)
I am going to have to pass on this one. Today was exhausting and did not go as planned in any way. Started off the day/spent the day helping a friend with his personal struggles and ended up in the emergency room. Just blessed to be home at the end of this day.
Feb. 16th (Something that you miss)
I really miss having my own apartment. I felt so successful and proud of myself everyday having a job with benefits, a place to call my own, and knowing that I was thriving being an independent, busy lady. I miss feeling like I am making a difference in the career that I am doing. I miss being healthy. I miss cuddling up to someone I love every night. I miss all my best friends living in the same state lines and all the fun that came along with that. I miss having a goal to achieve. Sometimes I miss who I was before last year happened.
Feb. 17th (post something about your zodiac sign and if it fits you)
I am a scorpio and according to the stars, that means I am wild, passionate, and secretive. I once read,
“The Scorpio is the most challenging of signs. She is highly emotional, jealous, and passionate. Her demands are great both mentally and physically. Her sexual appetite is often overwhelming and her dark sense of humor and sharpened tongue can be misunderstood. She is an intense woman, but if captured, will rock your world” (Author unknown).
I love reading my horoscope every morning and may be a little too vulnerable to it but I strongly relate to every characteristic I have ever read about a Scorpio. I am unbelievably passionate person with a desire to change the world. Sometimes relationships can be tricky for me because of my fearlessness about saying the truth and what others may find hard to say. I am certainly not scared of confrontation and I can be overwhelming to personalities who are more inhibited than myself. When I am in a relationship someone I expect the world as I am doing my best to give him/her the same. I can be a little crazy and push every boundary given to me and need to learn every lesson the hard way. It is a blessing and a curse to be as strong willed and stubborn as I am but I am super proud of my Scorpio status and all the characteristics that are said to come along with that.
Feb. 18th (30 facts about yourself)
-I hate my toenails not being painted
-Love vans skate shoes (don’t skate)
-Iced coffee is my go to all year round
-I have a freckle on my right butt cheek
-I have a freckle on my left eyelid
-I have so many goals and dreams that have only just begun
-I will push an empty gas tank light for MILES
-Will always spend my time working with children
-Graduated with a Bachelor’s Degree with a 4.0
-Yellow is my favorite color
-Candles make me so happy especially sandalwood
-Dogs > cats
-I never wear makeup beyond mascara and eyeliner
-Definitely need to wear more sunscreen
-Night in on the couch > Night out on the town
-I take a lot of pride in my growing zen corner with plants and Buddhist art
-I have a matching scar above my right eyebrow with my younger sister
-I would spend every evening watching the sunset if I had the chance
-So stubborn- gets me in trouble often
-I am very jumpy and scare easily but I love laying in bed watching scary movies regardless
-Sarcasm is a second language
-Very sensitive to noise- especially noise that other humans make like breathing or chewing….
-I get colds, infections, sick, etc very easily. My immune system is weak as possible
-Addicted to caffeine
-I love carbs
-I love road trips and being able to go off course whenever to explore something/someplace new
-Can’t go anywhere without chapstick
-Gray is my favorite color to wear any day of the week for any occasion
-I tend to make raptor or gremlin noises from time to time when I’m stressed out or thinking for too long
-Really just learning to live and love everyday with every up and down presented to me.
Feb 19th (Discuss your first love)
I have written about my first love multiple times. This is an excerpt from a previous blog “We are made of those who have broken and built us:”
You. You helped me grow into one of the strongest versions of myself. I became confident in what I believed in, I had a dream I knew I could achieve, I woke up every single day happy with who I was and the way my life was going. You constantly told me how strong, motivated, and powerful I was and could continue to be. I believed you. I took the world into my own hands and accomplished everything I have ever dreamed to because of the strength you helped me develop.
My first love wanted me to have the world and did everything in his power to give me that. But he was also my first heartbreak but even by doing that, he offered me the world- my own version of it. I grew up understanding the world with him but when he left, I had to figure it out for myself. He wanted me to be proud of myself without him and I did just that.
Feb. 20th (3 celebrity crushes)
-Blake Lively and her hubby Ryan Reynolds
Feb. 21 (3 lessons you want your children to learn from you)
- to be independent and fearless
- live outside your comfort zone but always have a safe place to return when you need a break
- never quit on a miss
Feb. 22 (music library on shuffle, first 10 songs)
- Hello- Adele
- Another One Bites the Dust- Queen
- That’s What I Love About Sundays- Craig Morgan
- Up, Up& Away- Kid Cudi
- Right One Time-Rascal Flatts
- Freckles- Natasha Bedingfield
- do re mi- Blackbear
- Check Yes Juliet- We the Kings
- Merry Go Round- Kacey Musgraves
- Love, Money, Party- Miley Cyrus
Feb. 23 (Letter to someone)
I wish I knew what exactly happened between us. You left, that is the simplest way to put it. Then, you came back and instead of welcoming you back with open arms as I think you expected, I asked you to leave again. I finally had a sense of who I was without you. my entire adolescence had you by my side- I never questioned my life without you in it. But when you knocked on my door, you found that wasn’t who answered. instead, you found an individual who was scared, hiding behind a veil of strength and new opportunities. Regardless of the fact that this person was dependent, was offering the world to a person who was going to destroy it, I needed you to leave again. I needed you to give me the space to find who I was without your rescue. But you didn’t, you never left. You wanted to be a hero, my hero so badly. You wanted to avoid me being “the one that got away” so terribly that I ran instead. Your persistence, something I used to adore, was the fuel behind my fire. You never expected the word no- you were taken back by the idea I didn’t want a savior. And yet, you utilized every resource possible-searching for a weakness you could exploit. You cut off my resources, you limited the amount of people I felt safe to communicate with, you made me feel as though my life was no longer confidential or my own but that my decisions influenced your life as well. You tried your best to show me the beauty of love, of compassion, of friendship. You simply showed me what happens when two people who have loved each other whole heartedly attempt to forget the passion and befriend one another. This isn’t gonna work.
Feb. 24 (lesson you’ve learned the hard way)
Every single lesson I can take credit for learning has been done the hard way. I learned that the stove remains hot even after turning the knob off only after putting my hand directly on the burner and sleeping with an icepack.
I have learned that letting go is so much more valuable than given credit for. The most toxic times in my life occurred when I refused to release the weights pulling me down. Whether it is people/relationships, a job, an idea, or a place- I have caused myself more harm by gripping with both hands than by opening my palms.
Feb. 25 (Think of a word, google an image, and write something inspired by the 11th image)
I chose the word evolution. The 11th photo on Google Images is one of an ape becoming a man- the 5 step progression that is representative of the idea of evolution. But, it has a 6th step in which the man is sitting in a chair with a suit on with 5 arms- each with a different gadget.
Titled “The Evolution of Stress,” this photo is creating the argument that we as a species have devolved. We have become so overwhelmed by the amount of stress in our lives that we can’t manage one at a time. Multi-tasking is the new norm and along with it an unbelievable amount of (dis)stress. We have done it to ourselves, putting an amount of pressure on our well-being expected of no one to be able to handle and succeed.
working on a poem to finish.
Feb. 26th (an area in your life where you would like to improve)
Saying no, turning people down, being content with what I have and not worrying about always missing out on something. Sometimes I feign for adventure and new experiences so much that they overwhelm me. I feel like if I don’t go out to eat, don’t go meet with him/her then an experience is lost and I would regret it. But it has gotten to the point where I am becoming complacent in my choices. I am scared to leave a memory behind in this city that I am not choosing how to live my own life.
Feb 27th (an area of your life that you are kicking ass at right now)
My personal confidence. These past few weeks have been a test of my professional choices and doing what is best for me and my future. I quit teaching which took a hit but everyday when I wake up, I know that I made the best decision. I am proud that I stood up for what I believe in and am taking steps to make that happen. I am proud of the interviews I have had with Teach for America and my application for graduate schools. I stood up to my father when I thought that his thoughts and beliefs were wrong and going to hurt people around me. I have gained so much confidence in standing up for what is right and making choices to get me to a place where I know I can make a difference. I’m proud of myself which is more than I have been able to say ever before.
Feb 28th (5 things that make you laugh out loud)
- children- their naive sense of the world and how innocent their love for everything this world has to offer. I laugh because its so beautiful and it prevents me from grieving at my loss for that same attitude. Children’s laughter because the genuineness of it, is my biggest trigger.
- A good slam sesh between my best friends. There are seriously few things better than knowing I can rag on my best friends for their flaws and them the same about me in the most loving and happiest of environments. It can be such a stress reliever to be sarcastic about some of life’s hardest moments or biggest stressors with people who you know are only there to help.
- Giving someone a word or a phrase and asking them to respond with the first thing that comes to mind. You really get to know someone when you hear their thoughts without time for them to be filtered. Phrases within old school rap lyrics are my personal favorite. Ask someone to respond immediately to the phrase “No scrubs” and you can determine whether they’re a keeper or a goner immediately…
- game nights/ get togethers with best friends. Literally nothing better than a drunken game of Cards Against Humanity or Speak Out.
- Listen… I kinda hate to say it but I make myself laugh so freaking much. Made a Pavlov joke the other day and it was GOLDEN. I’m seriously sorry for those of you who missed it but I definitely put myself and my sister into blue-faced, crying thigh slappers begging for oxygen.
March 1st (goals for the next 30 days)
-limit spending on every aspect of my life except adventure
-go skydiving (see above reasoning)
-manage my financial situation into a comfortable set-up (consist income and a savings account)
-eat more veggies
-meditate or yoga daily
March 2 (highs and lows for the last 30 days)
My lows have been mostly physical. I have been fighting numerous illnesses, colds, etc, and all of the emotions that come along with not feeling your best. The fact that being sick and having some of the symptoms that I did because of poor choices, made it a little more frustrating than any old cold.
Similarly, my physical location has been a source of lows. Living with my parents, student teaching, being in Denver in general- I have felt very uncomfortable in my own skin. But my highs have come from how I have handled my lows.
I feel like I have learned more about myself in the last 30 days and the choices that I have had to make than any other time in my life. I realized I was on the wrong path and I had to choose whether or not I wanted to make a difference or settle for what I’ve always known. I made some hard choices and I am so beyond proud of myself of what I have achieved and conquered in the month of February.