As I sit here in the waiting room for what seems like the billionth time this year, begging for yet another answer and a solution , I have realized how truly blessed I am. My health has taken some questionable turns, my body has put itself through more than it should ever have to but I still have it. I am able to clear my head by running miles a day. I am able to eat what I choose and carry myself throughout the day. I have weaknesses and there are aspects of myself I wish could be better. So I have a little pain. I also have so much more. I have the ability to wake up every morning in a clean, safe house filled with so much love. I have a handful of people that I can rely on in any situation. I have food on my plate at every meal and plenty in between. I have a job that I love and the ability to influence so many young kiddos. I have a dream to chase and the resources to do so. I have so many opportunities and experiences to learn from. And yet I sit here in this faux leather chair where people whose lives may be in jeopardy have sat. This same chair has held expectant mothers, transplant receivers, nervous loved ones, and everyone in between. But right this very second, this is my chair. A frustrated twenty year old who has spent so much time being angry that I have pain and no answer. Maybe it was this seat that provided the realization. Do I believe that a chair has the ability of passing on wisdom? No. But I do believe that it does take time to understand the journey God has put us on. I am on this road because I am strong enough to excel on it. It isn’t about finding the exact reason behind the pain you have but rather about realizing that pain is only one part of life. So much more of it is knowing that being thankful for all the amazing pieces of life make the pain seem not so important. I have spent so much time trying to find the right pill. The right medication to make the pain go away. All I really needed was a dose of reality and a new outlook on life.
The moon is empowering. It is constantly changing having to adjust to the movement of the universe. But it is nonetheless in charge of its own existence and everything else must succumb to her pressure. The waves that beat at the earth are controlled by the changes of the moon while the hands of the clock moved based on her schedule. The sun may control her light but she controls the way of the world. She moves across the sky with grace and as the stars cloud the black night, it is still her beauty that takes my breath away. I am greeted by her every morning and kiss her goodbye each night but most importantly, when the worries written on the inside of my mind are too strong to close out, it is her friendship I long for while the rest of the world sleeps. She is the one that whispers secrets of the night and promises of a better tomorrow. She is the messenger of the light at the darkest hour and her beauty is undeniable. There are holes, crevices and dimples on her outer layer but nonetheless, she rises high into the sky each and every night. It is not the overwhelming brightness of the sun most inspiring, but the subtleness of the moon that reaches my soul deepest.
I change my own world with each sunrise. I begin each horizon with aspirations and cloud nines. The sun rests on my face and a smile appears. I create my own challenges and am my biggest obstacle. I’m stubborn and I’m passionate. I’m giddy and calm. Wild at heart and content at home. Nearly everything I have is because I earned it. I have to learn the hard way, and trust me, I have. and I have been humbled by it all. Every journey taken is because my heart took me down that road and it has been a blessing for my eyes to experience so many beauties and hardships of the world. Every one of my desires is fueled by a fire in my heart. The fire is unpredictable and spastic. I want what I want and that is okay. I fear what I fear and my world continues to spin. My world, which can be filled with doubts and hardship, doesn’t have just a silver lining. It has a gold border. I take so many things for granted that I am learning not to. My world has pink and orange clouds to greet me in the morning and the same ones to wish me a good nights sleep. My world has grass in between my toes and freckled lemonade in my fingertips. My world has snowflakes in my hair and rain boots on my feet. My world has conversations with strangers and hugs from lovers. My world is beautiful. My dreams light up the sky like the Christmas lights in my room. My fears have begun seeping into the ground like raindrops. I have reached a place beyond contentment. I have reached a place of happiness and although not a destination, I like this part of the journey. The part that lets the smile rest on my lips for no reason and where my heart is happy for hours after the sun says goodnight. I like where I am right this second. Happy.
I sit here. And I listen. Literary irony. Neurotransmitters. Postmodernism. Blah. Blah. Blah. I sit here. And I see. Outdated green board and white chalk. Poorly dressed and awkward professor. Bare white walls and emergency procedures. Blur. Blur. Blur. I sit here. And I smell. Malfunctioning air conditioner. Cheap perfume. Desperation for the clock to move. Stale. Stale. Stale. I sit here. And I touch. Laminated wooden desks. Pen and paper. Unsupportive plastic chairs. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. I sit here. And I think. I think about my ability to stand up and leave. My ability to change my mind at any given moment and choose fresh air and mountain views instead. I’m think about curling irons and concealer. How to hide the dark under my eye and zit on my face. I’m thinking about nude versus bright red pumps. Which one will I feel most sophisticated in. I’m thinking about the punching bag downstairs. Punch. One, two, three. Kick. I’m thinking about Lil Wayne in my ear as sweat drips down my face. I’m thinking about the results I want and the healthiest way to get there. I’m thinking about the sleepless nights staring at the ceiling fan. The pain never subsides and nothing can dim it down. It encompasses my every moment. I’m thinking about the lack of ability of the doctors. The tears and frustration that are dominant but the more passive optimism that the medications bring. I think about what else I can do. I’m thinking about real life. These white walls are only one piece of what is important to me. And they are only important because society has made them that way. My mind is cluttered with doubts and optimism. With what ifs and how does that works. With regrets and to do lists. And yet here I sit. Unable to change a thing. Success is determined by these laminated wooden desks and tacky professor. By my ability to make sense of the words spoken and concepts used. Society may control that my part of my life, and I will succeed based on those standards but society cannot control what consumes my real life. My thoughts will draft and I will daydream but why not embrace it. Life is a waste if spent structured around white chalk green boards but walking around through the fields of ones thoughts can present a completely different view point on the world. Spend time there. It is beautiful. And it is meaningful. Smells better too.
I stared at the storm today. I looked at the clouds rumbling, jumbling together. I looked at the lightening spit across the sky. I felt the thunder shake the ground I was laying on. I felt the rain against my fingertips and the tears combine with the drops from God. with my hands palm up and my feet in the soil, I could feel the worry wash away. All the tension in my neck sank into the blades of grass. Life moves so fast and it is hard to take a breath. But today I chose to take one for me. and only me. my thoughts are constantly consumed by fear, by what ifs and whys. but for just that one moment, with my body parallel to the horizon and my heart racing, I felt at peace. sometimes even the sky has to scream and while mother nature raged on, contentment filled my soul.
I’m in search of something. A kind of freedom. it’s tangible but hardly visible except for the shine in my eye. it was once there. and quite often. without moving a muscle on my face, my eyes could be lit with a fire, a passion, and my heart as free as the sparrow crossing the sky. but my heart has regressed. into a cage of darkness and fear. the unknown used to be an adventure to look forward to. now one dreaded. my sense of wonder completely lost. I set out on the open road but my mind says not to go too far. responsibilities hang over me like a black winged ghost always lingering. every move. but still. I want I want freedom and wonder. my heart is scared but still longs for the happiness it once felt. my desire to escape is incomprehensible. everyday I must convince myself to stay. but to stay in the same place, I must remain in the same mindset of focused and goal oriented. my mind is not there. my mind is rather on a far away highway with the windows rolled down and my feet bare. my hair is blowing as free as my heart feels and the pessimistic smile has become an optimistic grin. the lingering demon of responsibility has escaped me. I want to travel. my eyes want to feast on the beauties and wonders of the world. my feet want to play in the white sands of every nook in the beach. my hands want to hold unusual textures and my arms want to stretch toward the clouds. my tongue wants to lick all of the juicy goodness left behind on my fingers after chowing on foods ive never dreamed of. my heart wants to be set free.i am on to amazing things. beautiful things. im going to change lives and im going to do so with a grace I didn’t know I have. I may not pave the way of life for unborn children but I will surely provide a helping hand. I simply cannot do that now. I must find myself. and although once found, I was quickly lost. nothing stays the same and yet absolutely everything stays the same. the journey is never the same and the destination is completely unknown. this world is full of so many tragic, beautiful, terrifying, and exhiliarting things. im not asking for much. just time and patience as I work through it all. I have not passed through all the tragic and I have not seen all the beauty. my emotions are unchartered, my fears sky high but sense of adventure curling around the corner. if you love me, let me go. understand I don’t need a savior. I don’t need approval. I want to find this answer for myself. all I ask for is a safety net. an arm to grab when I take a slippery step and a shoulder to lean on when exhaustion takes its final toll. I ask for a smile to look at and eyes filled with love and passion. I may have lost my way but I will surely find it again.