I sit here. And I listen. Literary irony. Neurotransmitters. Postmodernism. Blah. Blah. Blah. I sit here. And I see. Outdated green board and white chalk. Poorly dressed and awkward professor. Bare white walls and emergency procedures. Blur. Blur. Blur. I sit here. And I smell. Malfunctioning air conditioner. Cheap perfume. Desperation for the clock to move. Stale. Stale. Stale. I sit here. And I touch. Laminated wooden desks. Pen and paper. Unsupportive plastic chairs. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. I sit here. And I think. I think about my ability to stand up and leave. My ability to change my mind at any given moment and choose fresh air and mountain views instead. I’m think about curling irons and concealer. How to hide the dark under my eye and zit on my face. I’m thinking about nude versus bright red pumps. Which one will I feel most sophisticated in. I’m thinking about the punching bag downstairs. Punch. One, two, three. Kick. I’m thinking about Lil Wayne in my ear as sweat drips down my face. I’m thinking about the results I want and the healthiest way to get there. I’m thinking about the sleepless nights staring at the ceiling fan. The pain never subsides and nothing can dim it down. It encompasses my every moment. I’m thinking about the lack of ability of the doctors. The tears and frustration that are dominant but the more passive optimism that the medications bring. I think about what else I can do. I’m thinking about real life. These white walls are only one piece of what is important to me. And they are only important because society has made them that way. My mind is cluttered with doubts and optimism. With what ifs and how does that works. With regrets and to do lists. And yet here I sit. Unable to change a thing. Success is determined by these laminated wooden desks and tacky professor. By my ability to make sense of the words spoken and concepts used. Society may control that my part of my life, and I will succeed based on those standards but society cannot control what consumes my real life. My thoughts will draft and I will daydream but why not embrace it. Life is a waste if spent structured around white chalk green boards but walking around through the fields of ones thoughts can present a completely different view point on the world. Spend time there. It is beautiful. And it is meaningful. Smells better too.
I stared at the storm today. I looked at the clouds rumbling, jumbling together. I looked at the lightening spit across the sky. I felt the thunder shake the ground I was laying on. I felt the rain against my fingertips and the tears combine with the drops from God. with my hands palm up and my feet in the soil, I could feel the worry wash away. All the tension in my neck sank into the blades of grass. Life moves so fast and it is hard to take a breath. But today I chose to take one for me. and only me. my thoughts are constantly consumed by fear, by what ifs and whys. but for just that one moment, with my body parallel to the horizon and my heart racing, I felt at peace. sometimes even the sky has to scream and while mother nature raged on, contentment filled my soul.
I’m in search of something. A kind of freedom. it’s tangible but hardly visible except for the shine in my eye. it was once there. and quite often. without moving a muscle on my face, my eyes could be lit with a fire, a passion, and my heart as free as the sparrow crossing the sky. but my heart has regressed. into a cage of darkness and fear. the unknown used to be an adventure to look forward to. now one dreaded. my sense of wonder completely lost. I set out on the open road but my mind says not to go too far. responsibilities hang over me like a black winged ghost always lingering. every move. but still. I want I want freedom and wonder. my heart is scared but still longs for the happiness it once felt. my desire to escape is incomprehensible. everyday I must convince myself to stay. but to stay in the same place, I must remain in the same mindset of focused and goal oriented. my mind is not there. my mind is rather on a far away highway with the windows rolled down and my feet bare. my hair is blowing as free as my heart feels and the pessimistic smile has become an optimistic grin. the lingering demon of responsibility has escaped me. I want to travel. my eyes want to feast on the beauties and wonders of the world. my feet want to play in the white sands of every nook in the beach. my hands want to hold unusual textures and my arms want to stretch toward the clouds. my tongue wants to lick all of the juicy goodness left behind on my fingers after chowing on foods ive never dreamed of. my heart wants to be set free.i am on to amazing things. beautiful things. im going to change lives and im going to do so with a grace I didn’t know I have. I may not pave the way of life for unborn children but I will surely provide a helping hand. I simply cannot do that now. I must find myself. and although once found, I was quickly lost. nothing stays the same and yet absolutely everything stays the same. the journey is never the same and the destination is completely unknown. this world is full of so many tragic, beautiful, terrifying, and exhiliarting things. im not asking for much. just time and patience as I work through it all. I have not passed through all the tragic and I have not seen all the beauty. my emotions are unchartered, my fears sky high but sense of adventure curling around the corner. if you love me, let me go. understand I don’t need a savior. I don’t need approval. I want to find this answer for myself. all I ask for is a safety net. an arm to grab when I take a slippery step and a shoulder to lean on when exhaustion takes its final toll. I ask for a smile to look at and eyes filled with love and passion. I may have lost my way but I will surely find it again.